Bloggin Classics: Confession Time

Here's one from February 2010. I have come so far since then. I now have released the mind torture, the obsession with my body. I love it. I can love it when I'm squeezing my fat, or when it jiggles when I run. I don't eat in a desperate, stuffing down kind of way anymore. And the best part of it is that i'm not trying. When I stopped worrying and thinking that I have to think and do and effort my way to this place, it came naturally. Every time that I am tempted to pick up the battle again, I gently remind myself that I don't need that anymore. This way feels better.

I have to tell you something.

I am at work, and I’ve been thinking about this all day, and I need to get it off my chest, to help me work it out, and also to share with you, just in case this resonates with you.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been having amazing feelings stemming from the coach training course. I feel driven, passionate, excited….however…

My thoughts about my body have taken a bit of a nosedive. I’ve found myself eating when I’m not really hungry, and ignoring the tools that I know to deal with the thoughts that are coming up.

I’ve sunken into loathing myself. Again.

For some reason, after each coach call, I feel inspired to treat myself with some kind of decadent dessert.

Last night, I ignored my body’s request for me to stop feeding it, to the point of lying in bed with a full, bloated stomach. I felt like a failure.

Didn’t I, after all, go through weight loss coaching just a few months ago? For some reason I have been telling myself that the coaching HAS to work. My coach seems to find it so easy, and she told me that she couldn’t imagine going back to how she used to be. For some reason, instead of feeling empowered by that statement, it led to me putting a HUGE amount of pressure on myself to feel the same way. (You can’t force yourself to feel the same way as someone else, everyone experiences things in their own, unique way)

I’ve found myself staring at my body in the mirror, like the old me did, and feeling disdain.

I am working out of town for most of the next month, and I’m feeling anxious that I will be away from my gym. How will I keep from ballooning up to whale size if I can’t go to MY gym? (this is an example of an irrational thought, gone unchecked can lead to a screwed up belief system)

The part of this sad, sob story that begins to turn it around comes now:

I have everything that I need. I possess the tools to help myself feel better. If I can bring myself into this moment, I can begin to re-connect my body with my mind.

I caught myself today, wishing for a treat. There are no chocolates or cookies to be found, so I started to use my tools, and I realized that no amount of sweetness will give me the feeling of love that I can get if I just step into the present moment and feel the universal love flowing all around me. The love I felt during my coach class with Martha Beck yesterday, FAR exceeded the feelings that a brownie cheesecake could give me. (this I know for a fact)

I’m also realizing that just because I went through weight-loss coaching, doesn’t mean that my issues with my body image are over. Coaching doesn’t provide an endpoint, it opens the door to possibilities, and then it’s my job to tune into my inner guidance system.

I’m going to give some love to that drill sargeant perfectionist part of me, and tell her she can be at ease now. Reinforcements have arrived, and she can take a vacation.

I’m going to take a little more time to nurture myself, so I feel joy from other sources than food. I love that I get to do this in my own way. I don’t have to follow someone’s formula for weight loss, or for stress reduction. My formula is what will work best for me.

I feel so much better now that it’s on paper (virtual paper). Thank you for reading….