"P"-ing my pants

WARNING: This blog post does not revolve around a well thought out theme. It's pretty much stream of consciousness, which is a nice way of saying "All over the place". It's all about P words these days. Find your Passion. Learn how to Play like you did when you were a kid. Find inner Peace. What's my Purpose?

Arrragahghaghghghgh (Arnie yell)- maybe I'll post a video of me doing the Arnie yell, so that I can insert it when applicable.

I wish that I had it all together all of the time, so you could read this and say, wow, that Rose, she has it figured out. But, as I've learned, it's more helpful to show people what's true than what we wish was true.

Right now, I'm tired! I'm scared. I am frustrated. All of this striving to be better, think better, do better. Can't I just run into a cave somewhere and stay there and sleep until it all blows over? Why do these words Plague me every day?

My life is trying to speak to me, but I want to close my ears with my fingers. (Which I actually did to fall asleep last night, because I could hear my brother eating, and it was annoying. For some reason feeling off-purpose makes me irritable? And yes, my brother lives with me. I wish I had a juicy blog post about co-habitating with a sibling, but it's pretty much drama-free at our place.) I know that the inner wisdom is there. The door opens a crack sometimes, sometimes it blows wide open. But I am closing the door and propping up a chair under the doorknob. Why not just walk through the door, you might ask?

Ok. I'm finding that when you initially get the call to follow your purpose, it feels amazing. You finally feel connected to something. It opens your eyes. You see everything in techni-colour. Beauty surrounds you, and things you never noticed suddenly seem endlessly fascinating.

And then, comes the F word.

Fear.

I'm rolling around in a fear-sty. It stinks. I've been wallowing in it for over a year. I felt connected to my purpose, then I got scared and doubted and questioned it until it didn't make sense anymore. Plus, I still resist where I'm at right now, which is in a profession that doesn't serve my ultimate purpose. So I'm uncomfortable with where I am, and also with where I want to be. That feels pretty shitty. When I get coached and clear away some of the fear, it feels amazing! When I do morning pages (writing 3 pages first thing in the morning), I feel inspired. But the rest of the time I feel like I'm under-achieving.

I want to throw a tantrum. Why? Why do I have to work at it? Can't someone just show me the way and tell me what to do already? Why is it so hard? Waaah. What I forget sometimes, it that "working" at it feels more like play to me than anything else. Writing, reading, scheming and dreaming. That stuff lights me up! But as long as I tell myself that creating the life I want is hard, uphill work, I'm going to avoid it. I'd rather watch Mad Men.

I feel that I'm on the brink sometimes. Like I've climbed the enclosure of my fear-sty and am seeing what's outside of it. Clean air, green grass and everything! And then I let the fear knock me back onto the shit pile again. One day, folks, I will climb out of the sty. What am I missing?

1. Courage. Stepping out of my comfort zone and what's familiar will require me to be fierce in believing in myself. This I can do by working my thoughts, and cultivating intuition. And a few affirmations couldn't hurt. (I deserve all good. I am stronger, more capable, more resilient than my conscious brain can fathom. My dreams are coming true.)

2. Compassion. If I beat myself up throughout this journey, I'm just going to feel like a bag of crap as I drag myself to where I think I need to be going. Self compassion is a vital ingredient to everything that I do. Give yourself a break! Babies fall down all the time, and we don't consider them little mini-failures.

3. Daily practice. Doing the same thing every day sounds like a NO FUN idea to me, so I've adapted this to suit me. Instead of doing the same thing to connect to the source every day, I like to switch it up. It is a deliberate action that I take, whether it's singing, dancing, meditating, or yoga. It's something that helps ground me and connect me with that inner voice who knows where my destiny lies.

Phew, ok that's enough for now. See, I started writing with a totally jumbled head, but I ended up with a few very obvious things I can do to improve my situation. Now you do it!