Frustration nation

This week I've just been out of sorts. I told myself it's because I hate my job.  I told myself my body is rejecting me being a pharmacist.

I thought about that for a second, and then thought about the work that I do.  Sure a lot of it is repetitive and boring.  But isn't it pretty easy most of the time?  Nobody is torturing me or punching me.  Nobody is yelling at me (most days, hehe).  Physically, it's not demanding.  So why do I feel like someone steamrolled me and then hung me by my toes on a clothesline in the desert?

I clued in today.  It's because while I'm there, I'm thinking about how much I wish I wasn't there.  I'm telling myself that this isn't me, I don't belong in this career.  And the reality?  I am a pharmacist.  In that moment I'm arguing with reality.  And guess who loses?  Me.  Every single time.  (see previous paragraph for the physical toll it takes to argue with said reality)

So.  It's time to stop taking one giant step up the mountain. Not only is it kind of impossible, but it leads to a pulled groin for nothing.  It's not cool to put so much pressure on oneself.  So what is cool?  Turtle stepping is cool. Turtles never pull a groin, because they take little steps. (thanks Abigail Steidley for the reminder today)  Turtle stepping is hip.  It's kind of a dance if you think about it.  It's a shuffle.  So slow, you barely even notice.  So slow, your inner lizard doesn't think to freak out about it.

And then there's all that self love stuff again.  Oh yeah!  I am worthy even if I'm not climbing the mountain RIGHT F***ing now.  Oh yes.  I keep forgetting.  I don't have to be perfect.  I don't even have to be motivated OR productive!  I am enough.  Even if I laid here in my bed every single day for the next year, I'd still be worthy and enough.  Ok, phew.  A little less pressure, and maybe I'll even catch a glimpse of what wants to be born.